Archive for March, 2009

“Life breaks everyone, but some are strong in the broken places” — Earnest Hemingway

Life has broken me a bit lately.  I have had to face myself in ways that are unpleasant and look at myself much harder then I am used to doing and it has brought me to many conclusions and places in myself that I didn’t really realize existed.

For a long time now, I have tried to force myself to be happy.  I made choices, we all do right? and I figured that the way life works is that you make your bed, and then you have to lie in it.  You do not get “re-do’s” you do not get second chances to get it right, you do not get to make choices and then play take backs……

so, that is what I had resigned myself too.  That was the only existence I felt was deserved.  There is this book that I love, it is called “The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe” by Andrew Boyd, and in the first pages he says that the ” Bleary- eyed, caffeine-dazed monotony of the interstate of life may often feel like an endless bad dream……”

I feel like I have been living that bad dream.  I am traveling on that interstate of life, just getting by, throwing coffee cups on the shoulder and looking for the next rest stop, but I think that I am driving in a daze.

I am not looking at the street signs, I am not enjoying the scenery, I am only focused on the destination, and I get so lost with driving blind, that I forget all to often what and where that destination even is.

If you do not look at the signs, if you do not read the map, if you do not look out the window, you will lose your way every time.

I have lost my way on this trip.

I need to pull over and pull out a map.  I need to take a break and reassess the travel plans.  

If you followed that analogy, you will enjoy the rest of this blogging…… If I haven’t lost you yet, then I suppose that is a good sign.

Here is the thing.  I think that I don’t want to know where I am going anymore.  I want to be free to wander a bit, and see where the universe takes me, but I do not want to set a destination point, I do not want to know the outcome,  I think in life, you can not be lost if you do not know where you intend to be going, I want to walk, and look at the scenery, and enjoy the breezes of life, and not really know if I will get through whatever is in front of me.

that is where I am.


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ok, so clearly, anyone who reads here knows that I have all but abandon this blogging project and left it for dead on the side of the road.  I have been stuck.  In a virtual writers block position where I have wondered what really is the point of the blogosphere….. Is this just a place to post cute little updates on the children, share some stand out moments in my photographic adventures, and be a family newsletter of sorts?? or could it be more??

could it be my outlet? my creative release for the inner genius that begs to be let out.  A place for my inner psychopath to let out the demons within, a place to indulge in writing and thought, and the therapy that comes when you get it all out.

I think that is the path that I am going to try.  So this is the warning.

Warning:   If you do not want to be involved in the innermost workings and thoughts of Mian’s brain, if you are just looking for small updates on Jayden and Emily, if you liked the mild mannered slight glimpse on my opinions and thoughts but could care less to delve further……… stop reading soon.  Walk away, no hard feelings, and know that I will update my photo website when I can and get you some small blurbs about the daily goings on……

but I need a place to release, I need a place to unload, and if no one in the blogosphere reads it that is ok with me, I think it is going to be the process of getting it out that is therapeutic, not necessarily the responses of those unlucky few who might stumble upon it.

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