“Life breaks everyone, but some are strong in the broken places” — Earnest Hemingway
Life has broken me a bit lately. I have had to face myself in ways that are unpleasant and look at myself much harder then I am used to doing and it has brought me to many conclusions and places in myself that I didn’t really realize existed.
For a long time now, I have tried to force myself to be happy. I made choices, we all do right? and I figured that the way life works is that you make your bed, and then you have to lie in it. You do not get “re-do’s” you do not get second chances to get it right, you do not get to make choices and then play take backs……
so, that is what I had resigned myself too. That was the only existence I felt was deserved. There is this book that I love, it is called “The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe” by Andrew Boyd, and in the first pages he says that the ” Bleary- eyed, caffeine-dazed monotony of the interstate of life may often feel like an endless bad dream……”
I feel like I have been living that bad dream. I am traveling on that interstate of life, just getting by, throwing coffee cups on the shoulder and looking for the next rest stop, but I think that I am driving in a daze.
I am not looking at the street signs, I am not enjoying the scenery, I am only focused on the destination, and I get so lost with driving blind, that I forget all to often what and where that destination even is.
If you do not look at the signs, if you do not read the map, if you do not look out the window, you will lose your way every time.
I have lost my way on this trip.
I need to pull over and pull out a map. I need to take a break and reassess the travel plans.
If you followed that analogy, you will enjoy the rest of this blogging…… If I haven’t lost you yet, then I suppose that is a good sign.
Here is the thing. I think that I don’t want to know where I am going anymore. I want to be free to wander a bit, and see where the universe takes me, but I do not want to set a destination point, I do not want to know the outcome, I think in life, you can not be lost if you do not know where you intend to be going, I want to walk, and look at the scenery, and enjoy the breezes of life, and not really know if I will get through whatever is in front of me.
that is where I am.
Feel the fear; do it anyway.
Where are you?
You are not lost; you are a mother.
You are not lost; you are a wife.
You are not lost; you are Mian Baker.
These are the choices and responsibilities you have – you chose them.
Wake up.
Where are you?
I believe in you.
JMB
Ooo, I’ve been there. It’s like you have lost yourself, your passion, and you don’t even care where you’re going. Your biggest goal is to just keep going. At least you DESIRE to enjoy the scenery. When I was on that road, I didn’t even have the desire.